Thursday, August 2, 2012

So This is Love

Your birthday closes out our family's birthday season, yet your birth forever changed my life and the landscape of our family.  Two became one and then created another with the help of the Creator's hand.  Out of time and space came you and who I was ceased to be because I became Mother.  My world wobbled on its axis as love's geysers erupted, threatening  to overwhelm me.  For the first time, I understood how truly amazing God's love is.  I said to myself, "This is love."

I loved you so much, I didn't even think about my hair!

And I will die for that love.  Fight for that love.  I live for the love of you and your brothers.

This love I have for you has taught me much and God has used this mothering journey to mold and shape me into someone my younger self could not have ever fathomed.

You taught me how to fight.
I was a people pleaser before you.  Quick to let others tell me what to think, to conform, and fall in line.  Then, you came along and it was in fighting for you that I learned to fight for myself.  You entered this world with five little thumbs and required major reconstructive surgery on both hands at eight months old.

Surgery day.  Polydactyly and Syndactyly of thumbs

Your list of acronyms is daunting, but with God, I learned to scale walls and fight in the trenches to get the interventions you needed.  I learned to fight with Him, to realize that with God nothing is impossible.  Like Joshua, I have learned to ask the Lord to hold the sun still so that I could have more time to fight and gain victory.  Son, with God, no fight is impossible to win.

You've shown me what unconditional love is.
The early years of your life were stressful at best in our household as two young selfish kids learned how to die to self through the hard work of surrendering to God's desire for two to become one flesh.  It wasn't very cute, son. Nor was it conducive to nurturing your young tender heart. Son of my heart, Mommy is sorry.

Baby, my mothering has not been perfect.  Sometimes I yelled when I should have cuddled.  Sometimes I hid in my closet because while I rejoiced in that overwhelming love I had for you, I also feared it.  I feared being overwhelmed by my love for you.  Feared losing me in you.

My Son Number 1

Yet, I will never forget the night you turned to me on your twin bed, and in your little three year old voice, asked, "You my fwend, Mommy?"

In that moment, I could forgive myself for my imperfect parenting.  Yes, son.  I am your friend.  I thank you for showing me the power of your resilient love. 

You taught me how to release belly laughs from way down deep in my soul.   
I love your infectious laugh.  It defines and characterizes you in a way that nothing else can.  I was a broken girl who grew into an insecure young woman who shrank at the very thought of failure.  You've taught me to relax and  not take life so seriously.

My superhero

You are energy.  You are passion, in love with God's creation and with God Himself.  You laugh through life, son.  And the whole world can't help but laugh along in your presence.

Son Number 1, I could go on, but I border on being indulgent with the attention span of my readers.  You see, there's this rule that says posts should try to stay within 500 to 600 words.  But, son of my womb, know this.  My love for you reaches beyond words, beyond time, beyond worlds, and beyond space. 

Man Cub 1, Age 9

And I will die for that love.

Fight for that love.

I live for the love of you and your brothers.

Happy Birthday, Son Number 1.


  1. I love this. takes me back to when they were kiddos, not frustrated, awkward adolescents, or mindless young adults! We're past that now, but you make me want to drag out the photos and walk down memory lane a bit, and re-kindle those emotions that have not been dormant but become complacent and have taken a back seat in the view of their own children- more to love!

  2. When I was a new mom, I could not relate to the moms who told me to treasure every moment. Now, I see. As he told me a few weeks ago, he will be a teenager in just 4 short years. Time slips through my fingers.