Hello. It's me. No, not the woman who has been putting her best face forward in an attempt to find my voice and win an audience with you. This is me. Unguarded and ready to be a little more open. Transparent. Nude face, if you will. See my blemishes?
Well, you will soon. God and I have been wrestling lately, and frankly, I am tired of the fight. He wants more of me. On this blog. Up close and personal. With you. Exposed so that He may get the glory because it is all testimony anyway. All of it. My so called life.
And, truthfully, I did not want to. On the blogosphere, where you toss it out and it never comes back? Where people leave ugly judgmental comments about minute fragments of time in your life?
I have my reasons to hide.
Protecting my family's privacy.
Protecting myself.
Wanting to win friends and keep the ones I have.
People pleasing.
Staying on the boat headed to Status Quo with all of the others who say the waters are too dangerous, too choppy. There are sharks in that water waiting to eat you alive.
I have things to hide.
The private self that is not so pretty.
My less than perfect daily moments that make me cringe at the evidence of my flawed humanity.
Tears, so many tears.
And thoughts. Oh, thoughts that aren't so holy or lovable.
Triumphs wrought through gut-wrenching pain.
The stuff of life.
God wants me to expose all of this....for Him? He wants me to
surrender all of this...to Him? To give up control of my public image,
my brand, if you will, and give it all...to Him? He wants me to
trust...Him?
When the wrestling match was over, and I lay utterly still in surrender, He spoke into my heart through the words of my husband as we hashed this out together at the breakfast table.
As sunlight poured onto my empty plate, my husband said, "Trina, it's time to live. Don't worry about me. Don't worry about what others think. It's time to live, babe. Live by the Spirit and don't hold back."
And, I knew. Just as I picked up that empty plate, carefully carried it to the sink, and washed it, Jesus picked me up one day and lovingly washed me through the power of His saving grace.
My life is not my own. Yes, I have things to hide, but God does not get the glory when I hide all that He has held me through from the eyes of those who need to see. We all need to see others in their state of crumpled humanity and the amazing God who loved us all enough to send His son to die on Calvary's cross for our sins.
So, I don't know exactly where this blog is headed, and truthfully, I do not care. I trust Him. I trust the One who has patiently waited for me to come to grips with the fact that He will keep me from falling and present me faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy. Please stick around and keep me in your prayers.
Here I am, Lord. Send me.
Now unto Him that is able to keep
you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen
Jude 1:24 KJV
